To wordy "my goal" paragraph

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I give up. I've been trying to fix these few sentencses and am not understanding what you want me to change. Can you read what I have and make a suggestion that works? I have tanother paper to write and edit before 7 a.m.

See example:

My expectation for this paper is for the reader to come away with a clearer understanding of the some basic historical data and have included some of the key events in our history I feel illustrates how homelessness evolved in America.
asked May 22 '13 at 07:04 Ellen Miller New member

1 answer


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I don’t know what time zone you are in, but it is long past 7 am here.  My advice is probably too late for your deadline, but I’ll offer some in hopes of helping you for future papers.  Please know that this is a public forum.  The regular participants are not employees.  We don’t have a sense of urgency.  We log on whenever the mood strikes.  A question may or may not be answered.  A lot of people don’t actually ask a question.  They just issue an order or post a sentence and want someone to do the work for them.  You did actually ask a question, which is appreciated. 

 

There are a number of problems with your sentence.  It is incredibly wordy and runs on. Here are a few points to note.

 

The subject of the sentence is my expectation.  It should end after the word data.  But the sentence continues as though “I” is the subject.  There should be two sentences.

 

“The some historical data” needs either “the” or “some” deleted.  You can’t have both.

 

If your assignment is, as your subject line suggests, to state your goal, you haven’t done so.  An expectation is not the same thing as a goal.  Is your goal really to get the reader to understand historical data?  I would think the goal would be to illustrate how homelessness has evolved.  If you are supposed to write about your goal for the paper, I assume this is a separate assignment from the paper itself.

 

Generally, an academic paper should be written in the third person.  This means that the writer (first person) and the reader (second person) are never mentioned.  You have included both.  Unless your assignment has a specific instruction to write about your expectations and feelings, your thoughts and opinions should never be stated.  I assume you are trying to write an abstract for the paper.  Look up examples of abstracts to better understand how to write this section of your paper. 

 

This paper discusses key historical events to illustrate how homelessness has evolved in America.  

link comment answered May 22 '13 at 14:10 Patty T Grammarly Fellow

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