needs to be restated
But it's only their mouth that have uttered those words, while inside them; theri heart silently shouted deafeningly saying, :I'm happy because I'm in love."
Kimberly’s answer helps somewhat with the punctuation, but it is still a couple of messy sentences. There is a lot of redundancy.
You want to compare what they actually did (utter the words) to what they didn’t do (shout about being in love). Writing that they used their mouths to utter seems unnecessary and wordy. Utter probably isn’t the best choice of a word for this context. Though it is not incorrect, it carries a subtle meaning of expressing something that isn’t usually spoken. One would be more likely to utter how they really feel. You could instead say that they mouthed the words. This is used when a person speaks with little emotion or interest in the meaning.
“Inside them their hearts” is very awkward. Yes, the heart is inside. Usually we say that we feel something either “on the inside” or “in my heart” – not both together.
“Silently shouted deafeningly” is also muddled. To say that one silently shouted means that they didn’t actually make the sound, but wanted to. They were shouting on the inside. I think you have added deafeningly to emphasize how much they wanted to shout, but it just doesn’t fit.
If they want to shout, there really should be an exclamation point.
They only mouthed those words. In their hearts, they wanted to deafeningly shout, “I am happy because I am in love!”
|link comment||answered May 21 '13 at 16:41 Patty T Grammarly Fellow|
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