rephrasing the sentence

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How should I re-phrase this sentence?

I also have another question: won't this effect my plagarism detector at UCAS? P.S: this is my UCAS personal statement

See example:

On top of that, I enjoy watching stand ups of George Carlin, and I admire his straightforward critique of the society and of the politicians; a characteristic he shares with Ahmed Matar as well as Malcolm X, whom I also have huge respect to.
asked May 01 '13 at 08:24 Fatema Alyusuf New member

1 answer


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It's a little wordy; I'd break it up into two sentences.

 

Also, please note:

  • Instead of "stand ups of George Carlin," use the phrase "the standup of George Carlin."
  • You don't need the article "the" in front of "society" and "politicians," because you're not calling out specific societies and politicians -- just society and politicians in general.
  • A comma, rather than a semicolon, is called for after "politicians."
  • You can shorten "as well as" to "and" to reduce wordiness.
  • The idiom is "respect for," not "respect to."

 

On top of that, I enjoy watching the standup of George Carlin. I admire his straightforward critique of society and of politicians, a characteristic he shares with Ahmed Matar and Malcolm X, whom I also have huge respect for.

link comment answered May 01 '13 at 14:43 Actually Holly Expert

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