Rewriting a sentence

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Please have any suggestions in rewriting this sentence?

See example:

Coming to your company is an officer who committed to her new profound craft, and a female, who is a daughter, from a happy family of five siblings and two supportive parents, from Lynchburg, VA.
asked Jul 11 '11 at 15:46 Denise Morgan New member

2 answers


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Coming to your company is an officer from Lynchbur, VA, commited to her new profound craft, a female, a daughter in a happy family of five siblings and two supportive parents.

link comment answered Jul 11 '11 at 19:01 Toni New member
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Toni has rephrased the sentence perfectly.

 

But I would drop the words "a female", because the word "daughter" indicates the gender of the writer. 

link comment answered Jul 14 '11 at 11:42 Maryam Contributor

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