I don't know what is wrong with this phrase.

0

A professor of mine does not accept this sentence because she says that contains many errors. I believe it has none.

 

The point guard Jeremy Lin scored five of the Rockets’ 23 triple shots, who, therefore, equaled the record achieved by the Orlando Magic in January 13, 2009, in triumph over the Sacramento Kings (139-107).

grammar error asked Apr 19 '13 at 10:27 Luis Afonso New member

3 answers


2

Your professor is correct.  I don’t know anything about basketball so others may revise some of my vocabulary.  But I do know a thing or two about grammar, and so does your professor.

23 / twenty-three

Single-digit numerals (such as 5/five) should be spelled out, and when a sentence contains single-digit and double-digit (example: 23) digit numbers, all should be spelled out.

, who, therefore, equaled / that tied

Who cannot modify the name of a sports team.  Therefore does not make any sense because the fact that Lin scored 5 triple shots did not cause the Rockets to tie the Magic’s record.  Tied is more natural than equaled.  The commas need to be deleted because the revised phrase beginning with that tied… is a defining relative clause that correctly modifies shots.

in January 13, 2009 / on January 13, 2009

In + month; on + exact date.

The point guard Jeremy Lin scored five of the Rockets’ twenty-three triple shots that tied the record achieved by the Orlando Magic on January 13, 2009 in triumph over the Sacramento Kings (139-107).

link edited Apr 19 '13 at 12:53 Shawn Mooney Expert

I'm Portuguese and my Portuguese English teachers was really like my phrase. Thank you What good English grammar you advise me, beyond the multi-hour reading and applied writing? A "Portuguese English" one, but really good. Anyway, thanks a lot.

Luis AfonsoApr 19 '13 at 13:26

There is no shortcut to learning, Luis. It takes practice, effort, and time.

Patty TApr 19 '13 at 15:06

I know. Thanks. :)

Luis AfonsoApr 19 '13 at 19:41

add comment
2

Your professor is right, Luis, there are many errors.  Here is a list of the ones that I find:

 

Don't use an article before a person's name.

You score points, not shots. You make shots.

Twenty-three should be spelled out.

This should be two sentences, with the first ending after shots.

Using who in this sentence makes no sense.  It refers to the subject, but the subject is not the one who tied the record.

Therefore is not a great word choice, either.

You usually tie a record, not equal it. 

The preposition used with a date is on, not in.

The article a should be used before triumph.

Including the score of the game is likely irrelevant.

 

That is a very great many errors for such a short passage.  Perhaps your school has tutoring services available for you. 

link comment answered Apr 19 '13 at 12:58 Patty T Grammarly Fellow
2

One other error is that in basketball, the term 'triple shots' is not used in this way. They are 'three point shots' or 'three pointers'.

link comment answered Apr 19 '13 at 13:39 Lewis Neidhardt Grammarly Fellow

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