I don't know what is wrong with this phrase.
A professor of mine does not accept this sentence because she says that contains many errors. I believe it has none.
The point guard Jeremy Lin scored five of the Rockets’ 23 triple shots, who, therefore, equaled the record achieved by the Orlando Magic in January 13, 2009, in triumph over the Sacramento Kings (139-107).
Your professor is correct. I don’t know anything about basketball so others may revise some of my vocabulary. But I do know a thing or two about grammar, and so does your professor.
23 / twenty-three
Single-digit numerals (such as 5/five) should be spelled out, and when a sentence contains single-digit and double-digit (example: 23) digit numbers, all should be spelled out.
, who, therefore, equaled / that tied
Who cannot modify the name of a sports team. Therefore does not make any sense because the fact that Lin scored 5 triple shots did not cause the Rockets to tie the Magic’s record. Tied is more natural than equaled. The commas need to be deleted because the revised phrase beginning with that tied… is a defining relative clause that correctly modifies shots.
in January 13, 2009 / on January 13, 2009
In + month; on + exact date.
The point guard Jeremy Lin scored five of the Rockets’ twenty-three triple shots that tied the record achieved by the Orlando Magic on January 13, 2009 in triumph over the Sacramento Kings (139-107).
|link||edited Apr 19 '13 at 12:53 Shawn Mooney Expert|
Your professor is right, Luis, there are many errors. Here is a list of the ones that I find:
Don't use an article before a person's name.
You score points, not shots. You make shots.
Twenty-three should be spelled out.
This should be two sentences, with the first ending after shots.
Using who in this sentence makes no sense. It refers to the subject, but the subject is not the one who tied the record.
Therefore is not a great word choice, either.
You usually tie a record, not equal it.
The preposition used with a date is on, not in.
The article a should be used before triumph.
Including the score of the game is likely irrelevant.
That is a very great many errors for such a short passage. Perhaps your school has tutoring services available for you.
|link comment||answered Apr 19 '13 at 12:58 Patty T Grammarly Fellow|
Hero of the day
Person voted on the most answers.