Punctuation on variation of a repeated refrain

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I should supply you with some background to my question. I am writing a specific kind of poem here where a refrain is repeated three times in the poem.

1.)When the city turned angry cries

2.) When the city turned angry [cries...].

3.)When the city turned (angry cries),

The words are different from what I have here, but the structure is the same.. I am trying to vary the refrain primarily through  punctuation and creative use of italics. But I am not entirely sure what I’ve done here is the best grammatical possibility for what I am trying to accomplish.

There is an angry mob here making loud angry cries. The first use of the refrain is part of a longer sentence that follows. In the second instance of the refrain I am trying to communicate that the speaker of the poem is crying- this phrase ends a sentence. In the third instance I am trying to indicate that there is a recollection of the mob in almost a voice-over sense from the first sentence. Any feedback would be very much appreciated!

asked Apr 04 '13 at 18:54 CM New member

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