Incorrect Prounoun?

0

Can someone please give me an example of how this should be phrased, because I'm stumped!:

'Her head feels oddly hollow, there's an odd ringing sound in her ears and nausea hovers unpleasantly in the background; but at least nothing feels broken.

See example:

Her head feels oddly hollow, there's an odd ringing sound in her ears and nausea hovers unpleasantly in the background; but at least nothing feels broken.
asked Mar 31 '13 at 13:26 Elaine J Jackson New member

2 answers


1

It doesn't look too bad as it is, except that having "oddly" and "odd" so close together is disconcerting. Change one of them to "strangely" or "strange" respectively.

 

I might also have a full-stop after "hollow". A short introductory sentence and a longer explanation might work better than long, multi-clause one.

Her head feels strangely hollow. There's an odd ringing sound in her ears and nausea hovers unpleasantly in the background; but at least nothing feels broken.

I don't think it would make any difference if you changed the semi-colon for a comma.

link comment answered Mar 31 '13 at 14:24 Simon Jones Contributor
-1

^I agree with that.

The only thing i could add is maybe 'odd ringing sound in her ears as nausea hovers unpleasantly'

 

I find when im writing, the more i examen certain passages the less they make sense.

A cup of tea .

link answered Mar 31 '13 at 17:58 fres New member

I wouldn't use "as" instead of "and". People can infer causality which is not implied.

Simon JonesApr 02 '13 at 13:22

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