is this text written well


is this the proper way to write this

See example:

"Facilities that have implemented safe patient-handling procedures have demonstrated that their initial investment in lift equipment is off-set in just a few years by the reduced cost of worker's compensation payments and savings from fewer lost workdays." The hospital where I work does not have 'Magnet status,' and from time to time nurses lose income due to bodily injury due to lifting and do it yourself when short staffed Only a small portion such as the Critical care units and the Progressive care Unit have such equipment, also electronic blood pressure machine, some beds that are ergonomic and bar code scanner for when monitoring the blood sugar levels to assist the nurses with doing the job more efficiently.
asked Feb 24 '13 at 23:11 henrietta bartholomew New member

1 answer


No, I have to say that it is not well written, Henrietta.


Your first sentence starts and ends with quotation marks.  When you quote someone, you need to include the speaker (or writer) in the sentence.  Dr. Smith has noted that “facilities that … .” 


“Their” should be “the” in the first sentence.  There is really no need for a pronoun here.  For future reference, when writing about business, remember that a facility is not a person.  It is an it, not a they.


“Offset” is one word.  It does not need a hyphen.


You can tighten up the end of the sentence by getting rid of some wordiness.  When you are talking about costs, you don’t need the word “payments”.  We can assume that the hospital pays its bills. Reduced costs is effectively the same as savings, so there is redundancy there. 


in just a few years through reductions in absenteeism and workers’ compensation premiums.


The second sentence is very messy and is missing a period at the end. If you are writing for school, remember to always write in third person unless specifically instructed otherwise.  That means there should be no “I” (first person) or “you” (second person) in the sentence. 


I am not sure what magnet status (not quotation marks or capitalization) has to do with the rest of the paragraph.  It seems quite misplaced.  Does having (or not having) magnet status affect whether or not lift equipment will save money for the hospital?


The rest of this sentence also seems to be unnecessary, too.  You are talking about lift equipment and reduced workers’ compensation costs.  Can we assume that you are talking about injuries that are due to lifting?  “And do it yourself when short staffed” may make sense to you, but it is very slangy.  Are you trying to say that when one person is out because of an injury, the shift is short-staffed and then there is an even higher occurrence of injury? 


The last sentence needs a lot of work as well, but that’s enough writing for me for one question.

link comment answered Feb 25 '13 at 00:19 Patty T Grammarly Fellow

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