How could I change this sentence to sound better?
"I have been in ministry for 30 years, and this is one of the few, the rare, programs that just really infiltrates a church and turns lives around in huge ways.
Here are the problems with your sentence:
the few, the rare: You need to choose one or the other; you cannot grammatically use both.
just really: although these two adverbs are often paired in casual spoken English, they each have the same meaning (or at least just means really/actually in this context; of course, it has other meanings) and so you should choose one or the other. My vote would be for really.
infiltrates: I don't think this is verb you need. Infiltrate means "to move into (an organization, country, territory, or the like) surreptitiously and gradually, especially with hostile intent", for example The troops infiltrated the enemy lines. Because I don't know very much about what you are talking about, I hesitate to suggest a more appropriate verb. Perhaps transforms?
in huge ways: Using the adjective huge here sounds quite informal. How about significant, or extremely significant? Or meaningful or extremely meaningful?
|link comment||answered Feb 23 '13 at 09:37 Shawn Mooney Expert|
Hero of the day
Person voted on the most answers.