Reword/paraphrase my paragraph?
Through talk, we create and shape our relationships. Through talk, we are comforted; through talk, we are hurt. We look to family members for come-as-you-are acceptance, but instead of an intimate ally, we sometimes find and intimate critic. A small remark can spark a big conflict because with the family, no utterance stands alone. Every remark draws meaning from innumerable conversations that come before.
I would probably change the semi-colon to a period, but I see why you did it your way. I believe that come should be came. Other than that, I think it all sounds great. It paints a clear picture of the benefits and risks of everyday communication. The repetition of “through talk” really drives the point of the topic.
Your reason for trying to change this may depend on the purpose of the piece. If it is formal writing, such as an academic paper, you need to change the whole thing into the third person perspective. Assuming that is the case, the paragraph will likely become more dull, but you will avoid losing points for using the first and second person.
To make it more formal, I would replace talk with communication or similar words throughout the paper, but I think it can stay for the introduction. You still need to change the perspective to third person though.
Through talk, relationships are created and shaped. Through talk, people are comforted. Through talk, people are hurt.
It loses some oomph, doesn’t it? If the purpose is a little less formal, stick with what you have.
|link comment||answered Feb 12 '13 at 11:41 Patty T Grammarly Fellow|