Help with a sentence structure!

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I edited this sentence many times, but I always get a "sentence structure" alert. How can I improve the following sentence?!!!!

 

"For instance, if all patients get exactly the same amount of attention and care by the doctor, some patients may feel uneasy and uncomfortable, especially if they receive  good friendly treatments from previous doctors."

2 answers


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"For instance, if all patients get exactly the same amount of attention and care by the doctors, some patients may feel ill at ease, especially if they receive  good treatments from the previous doctors."

link comment answered Feb 10 '13 at 04:11 sanjay Expert
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Dana,

 

Sanjay's suggested revision improves some things, but it also has some grammatical problems, and does not fully address the main problems with your sentence.

 

Your sentence has a  lot of grammatical problems, but the most important issue is that the ideas are very unclear.  We can help you with grammar and punctuation here, but you need to refine your ideas.

 

First of all, in your if-clause, do you mean that all patients receive the exact same amount of medical attention and care regardless of how sick or injured they are?  That it does not vary depending on the level of a patient's distress?  That a patient with a sprained ankle would receive the exact same amount of attention and care as a patient with cancer??  If so, this is a very strange concept.  If not, I have no idea what the meaning of your if-clause is.  Change amount of attention and care by the doctors to amount of medical attention and care.

 

I agree with Sanjay that you do not need both ill at ease and uncomfortable in the second clause.  Neither of these expressions is strong enough, though: ...may be dissatisfied or will be dissatisfied. 

 

Second, the distinction you seem to be drawing in your final clause is also unclear.  You definitely need the Present Perfect there, treatment would be uncountable in this context, the must be deleted, and good should be changed to better: especially if they have received better treatment from previous doctors.  Because the idea of your if-clause is so unclear, the connection between it and the ideas here in your final clause is also difficult to understand.

 

Once you have made the ideas here clearer, you can post a revised version for us to have a look at.  Good luck.

link comment answered Feb 10 '13 at 06:32 Shawn Mooney Expert

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