I will throw a crown into the water

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“I will throw a crown into the water.”
   “Give generously and the river will let you go across.”
   Jay hopped on each stone in the river. He stopped and took out a coin from his pocket. He kissed the coin and dropped it into the river. Jay hopped all the way to the other side of the riverbank. He swung around, waved good-bye to the old man, and ran off. The old man watched Jay disappeared into the dark woods.
       Then suddenly his head began to grow and his gown dropped on the ground. Some greyish blue scales began to cover his skin. Fish gills grew on him that opened and closed continually. His upper body turned into a fish head. He held his walking stick in his hand and threw it into the bushes. He dived into the water and swam away.
     Jay ran through the fog that hanged over the forest and then he became tired. He leaned on a tree and he began to breath heavily. So he sat down and placed the canvas bag in his lap. Jay dozed off to sleep and then an acorn dropped on his head.
      “Ouch!” He shouted as he jumped up.
      He shook his head, and saw some green saliva running down his jacket. He looked up and saw a cat bat hugging a tree limb with saliva dripping from its mouth. Jay got up slowly, and the black leopard kept its glowing eyes on him. The hungry cat extended its bat wings and closed them.
      “Oh no, it’s a flesh eating cat bat, and it wants to gobble me up.”
 

asked Feb 03 '11 at 10:34 Noel Jones New member

1 answer


1

Noel, 

 

I found a link that may help you with some of your dialogues:  http://www.dailywritingtips.com/here%E2%80%99s-how-to-treat-attribution-he-said/

 

Now, on to your passage:

 

“I will throw a crown into the water.”

-- No comments

 

   “Give generously and the river will let you go across.”

1) 'Give generously' is a imperative and should be considered a sentence.  You may think about putting a comma before the 'and'.

 

   Jay hopped on each stone in the river. He stopped and took out a coin from his pocket.

-- No comments.

 

He kissed the coin and dropped it into the river. Jay hopped all the way to the other side of the riverbank.

-- No comments.

 

He swung around, waved good-bye to the old man, and ran off. The old man watched Jay disappeared into the dark woods.

1) "The old man watched Jay disappeared" sounds strange.  It should say that he watched Jay disappear.

 

Then suddenly his head began to grow and his gown dropped on the ground.

1) I think you need a different preposition after 'dropped'.  Because you are describing something falling from the man you should use 'to'.  If the man himself had dropped the gown (his action) you could use 'on'.

 

Some greyish blue scales began to cover his skin. Fish gills grew on him that opened and closed continually.

1) Your adjective clause, 'that opened and closed continually', should be located next to the noun that it describes.  This sentence sounds confusing because it sounds as if HE is opening and closing continually.   Also, you should use 'which' not 'that'.  This is a non-restrictive clause. See my post.

 

His upper body turned into a fish head. He held his walking stick in his hand and threw it into the bushes. He dived into the water and swam away.

1) If you are describing things that happened one after another, as in 'held the stick' and 'threw it', consider using 'then' rather than 'and' to join the predicates.

 

     Jay ran through the fog that hanged over the forest and then he became tired. He leaned on a tree and he began to breath heavily.

1) The past simple of 'hang' is 'hung'.  Hanged is a word, but has a very different meaning than you want.  According to dailywritingtips.com, 

 

The regular past tense of hang is hung, which would be used in all the examples listed above. However, there is one difference when it comes to hanging someone by the neck. In this case the past tense is hanged which means killed by hanging.

 

2) "He leaned on the tree and he began to breathe heavily" has two short, complete thoughts joined by 'and'.  You can make it into one sentence by omitting the second 'he'.

 

So he sat down and placed the canvas bag in his lap. Jay dozed off to sleep and then an acorn dropped on his head.

1) 'So' in this case functions somewhat like 'therefore' or 'consequently' and should be followed by a comma.

2) "To doze off" and "to fall asleep" mean the same thing.  It is redundant to say, "doze off to sleep."

3) This comment is stylistic.  Because you have just used "and then", perhaps it would sound better to vary it a bit.  Something like, "soon after" or "moments later" would work.

 

      “Ouch!” He shouted as he jumped up.

1) This is not the beginning of a sentence; so, you shouldn't capitalise 'he'.


      He shook his head, and saw some green saliva running down his jacket. He looked up and saw a cat bat hugging a tree limb with saliva dripping from its mouth

1) You don't need a comma after 'head' because you are not joining two complete thoughts.

 

2) If this is the first time he's seen a 'cat bat' maybe you should describe it first (before giving it a name).

 

Jay got up slowly, and the black leopard kept its glowing eyes on him. The hungry cat extended its bat wings and closed them.

1) Grammatically, this is correct, but the last few sentences would make more sense if you first gave a thorough description of what Jay sees when he first sees the creature.

 

Oh! And, if Jay 'jumped up' a few sentences ago, he's already standing and cannot 'get up slowly.'

 

      “Oh no, it’s a flesh eating cat bat, and it wants to gobble me up.”

1) 'Oh no' is a interjection or exclamation and is punctuated as a complete sentence, often with an exclamation point.  Be sure to capitalise the next sentence.

 

2) 'Flesh eating' should be hyphenated.

 

3) Again, how does Jay know so much about this animal?  I suggest letting the reader know more about Jay's feelings, ideas, and emotions.

 

Best, 

 

Kim

link comment edited Feb 04 '11 at 15:30 Kimberly Expert

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