Faulty parallelism

0

Can anyone help me understand what is wrong with this sentence and how I can make it any clearer?

See example:

As an Industrial Designer I look forward to not only solving functionality problems but also challenging and stretching the limits of my creativity, and as a poet and writer, I anticipate creating comprehendible beauty in the things I write and fully expressing and sharing the things most important to me.
asked Dec 22 '12 at 16:18 Zoe Ene New member

1 answer


2

I don't think there are any 'faulty parallelism' errors in your sentence.  All of your clauses contain gerunds so there are no problems there which relate to 'faulty paralellism'.

 

However, this sentence is quite long, and, first of all, it would be more effective if it were broken down into two sentences, as follows:

 

As an Industrial Designer, I look forward to not only solving functionality problems but also challenging and stretching the limits of my creativity.  What's more, as a poet and writer, I anticipate creating comprehensible beauty in the things I write and fully expressing and sharing the things that are most important to me.

 

But there is more for you to think about.  'Functionality' is a horrible word.  I am not at all familiar with the 'industrial design' field, but if you are also a poet/writer, you should be able to come up with a less jargony word for that.

 

Comprehendible is an actual word in the dictionary, I found out, but comprehensible is much more common.  Neither word particularly lends much to your sales pitch, or whatever it is.  It might be a good idea to get rid of it.
 

 

'Anticipate' may not be quite the exact verb you want, either. It simply means 'expect' (which is not the same as  'look forward to'), and I think you need a stronger, more desirous verb to express yourself. How about something like this:

 

What's more, as a poet and writer, I strive to express the world's beauty, and connect my everyday concerns to the universal.
 

 

You seem to be melding two quite different identities into one thought/marketing statement/sales pitch, and if that is your project, more power to you!  Without any other context, I can't quite understand how 'industrial design' matches up with 'poetry and writing' so I am not sure what this text is trying to achieve, or who you want to appeal to.  And the part where you said you are interested in challenging and stretching the limits of [your] creativity doesn't sound particularly related to industrial design, which your text links it to,  but seems more connected to writing, including specifically writing poetry.

 

I hope my comments are of some help.  Good luck!

 

Shawn

link edited Dec 22 '12 at 17:28 Shawn Mooney Expert

Shawn thank you so much! The sentence is part of a college application supplemental essay for a dual degree program that wants to know how I intend to meld my passion for the two. If you were to see the sentence in context it would probably make more sense. Thank you so much for your feedback! I hope it will be ok using some part of your corrected sentences in my revision :)

Zoe EneDec 24 '12 at 13:00

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