The Old Watcher held onto his walking stick
The Old Watcher held onto his walking stick, which helped him stand up. Then he continued his story. “One night, after the farmer finished his work, he came to this river to throw in some coins. Two muggers hid behind the bushes and sprang out on him. They robbed him, murdered him, and threw his body into that river. Today his spirit haunts this river and people had seen his head changed into a fish. So they call him the Fish Man.” The Old Watcher walked to the edge of the river and watched the water past by him. Jay remained quiet and listened to old man. “What you give today will reward you tomorrow,” he continued.
“I am sorry that happened to Mr. Fish Man,” said Jay.
“The Fish Man wants his legacy to continue, he said that anyone that crosses this river without leaving a crown will be cursed.”
Overall, this is pretty good. I just have a few comments.
First, is muggers the best word here? This sounds like a book set hundreds of years ago, muggers is a new word. Maybe thieves would be more suitable? Also, if the muggers were hiding behind the bushes when they sprang out in him, I think you should use "were hiding" instead of hid.
Second, this sentence is confusing.
". . . and people had seen his head changed into a fish. So they call him the Fish Man.”
I think you need to provide more background information about how his head became like a fish. Just saying that people saw it makes it seem like you are skipping things.
Third, ". . .watched the water past by. . ." -- I think you mean, 'watched the water pass by'.
Finally, here: “The Fish Man wants his legacy to continue, he said that anyone that crosses this river without leaving a crown will be cursed.”
You need a period or a semi-colon after "continue".
|link comment||answered Feb 02 '11 at 18:49 Kimberly Expert|
Hero of the day
Person asked the most questions.