How does these dialogues sound?

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   “I have to get across,” He said while he pointed at the other side of the riverbank.
   “I saw a wall of water swamped a peasant and left his rugs behind, so I fished them out.”   
   “I’ve heard about this river.”
   “Have you heard that anyone who wants to cross the river should throw in a crown?”
   “No Mr watch man, I’ve never heard of that. Why should I give so much?”
   “Everyone asked me same thing, they think so much is too much.” The old man looked up and turned his head to Jay.
    “You are a prince, but the fish man was a poor farmer. Every fortnight he threw tenth of his earnings into that river. He said the Gods will feed the poor, and he will be rewarded ten times more.”
 

asked Feb 01 '11 at 12:58 Noel Jones New member

2 answers


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Noel, 

 

Here are my comments:

 

“I have to get across,” He said while he pointed at the other side of the riverbank.

 

1) You shouldn't capitalise 'he' unless it is the beginning of the sentence or you are talking about God.

2) 'while' is usually used to talk about longer periods of time.  When you talk about a moment when two thinkgs are happening simultaneaously, try 'as'.

3) Use 'point at' when you are emphasising a separate thing.  Use 'point to' when you want to emphasise direction.  I think you may want to change this.

 

 

   “I saw a wall of water swamped a peasant and left his rugs behind, so I fished them out.”  

 

1) Your tense use after water is a little awkward.  Do you mean 'I saw that a wall of water that had swamped a peasant' (meaning he had not been present at the time, but knew what happened because of the effects) or 'I saw a wall of water swamp a peasant' (meaning he saw the action happen)?

2) The actor the second part of the sentece, after 'and', is confusing.  Did the wall of water leave the rugs or the peasant.  Consider using a relative pronoun (who, which, that, etc.) in order to make it more clear.

 

 

   “I’ve heard about this river.”

 

NO COMMENTS


   “Have you heard that anyone who wants to cross the river should throw in a crown?”

 

NO COMMENTS


   “No Mr watch man, I’ve never heard of that. Why should I give so much?”

 

1) You should have a comma after 'no'.

2) There should be a period after 'Mr'.

3) If 'watch man' is his name or the name that Jay is giving him, consider capitalising it.

 

 
   “Everyone asked me same thing, they think so much is too much.” The old man looked up and turned his head to Jay.

 

1) If everyone asking the Watchman is a normal thing that happens always (in the past and future) it's a habit and should be written in the present tense.

2) End the first complete thought with a period or a semi-colon (;).

 


    “You are a prince, but the fish man was a poor farmer. Every fortnight he threw tenth of his earnings into that river. He said the Gods will feed the poor, and he will be rewarded ten times more.”

 

1) By 'fish man' do you mean fisherman?

2) 'Tenth' refers to a fraction and as such you need to include the number of tenths.  For example, "I ate a third (one third) of a pizza." OR,  "He send me three quarters of his book."

3) 'He said the Gods will feed the poor. . .' Is the Watchman quoting the fisherman, or rephrasing what he said?  If it is a quote you should make everything after 'He said' a direct quote by placing single quotes ('...') around the words.

 

I hope this helps. 

 

Best, 

 

Kim

link comment answered Feb 01 '11 at 19:25 Kimberly Expert
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How do THESE dialogues sound? is correct.

link comment answered Feb 01 '11 at 16:08 Joan Coleman New member

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